Below is a list of patterns of codependency that can help new comers better understand if they are truly codependent and what issues they have to work on. Also, this list is good for people who have been in the codependency program for awhile to revisit and decide what additional issue/s they need to address. Progress, not perfection. At bottom of this page is a pdf document of this article. Click on the pdf link and it will open up a new browser tab.
Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.
Minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.
Perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
Label others with their negative traits. (projection)
Think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.
Mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive aggressive ways.
Do not recognize the unavailability of those people whom they are attracted to.
LOW SELF-ESTEEM PATTERNS
Have difficulty making decisions.
Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
Value others approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.
Seek recognition and praise to overcome feelings less than.
Have trouble admitting a mistake.
Need to appear right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
Are unable to identify or ask for what they need or want.
Perceive themselves as superior to others.
Look to others to provide their sense of safety.
Have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.
Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
Compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger. (Walking on eggshells).
Put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
Are hyper-vigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from others.
Accept sexual attention when they want love.
Make decisions without regard to the consequences.
Give up their truth to gain the approval or to avoid change.
Believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
Attempt to convince others what to think, do or feel.
Freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
Become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.
Lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.
Use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
Have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
Demand that their needs be met by others.
Use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.
Use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.
Refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
Adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
Use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
Pretend to agree with others to get what they want.
Act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.
Judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
Avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
Allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.
Use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
Diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.
Suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.
Refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves.
Believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
Withhold expressions of appreciation.
After reading this list, search your thoughts, feelings and past experiences and ponder if you truly are codependent. If you feel you are, please find a local meeting link and join us.